Geneva stomped into the living room, anger flashing from her eyes. Kim lay on her back on the floor, with her feet on the couch, and the telephone to her ear. Geneva didn’t know who Kim was talking to, but she did know that a dirty room was not being cleaned. She also knew Kim had promised yesterday to get started right away.
Geneva grabbed the phone from Kim and slammed it down on the receiver. Before Kim could speak, the storm of words broke. “You lazy kid! What’s wrong with you?” Geneva shouted. “You never do one thing I ask. I told you to clean your filthy room! Now march right there and do it, or I’ll ground you for a month!”
Kim rolled her eyes at the ceiling and jumped to her feet. “I can never get it clean enough for you,” she replied. “You never give me a break. Anyway, I can’t do it now. I have to be at work in half an hour. Bye.” Kim was out the door in a flash.
Geneva groaned. What was she going to do with this kid? Nothing she did seemed to work. Sometimes she wondered why she even bothered to try. But just wait until Kim got home. She’d ground Kim for two months and take away her paycheck, too.
Scenes like this are played out in many homes. Parents and children would like to find a way to stop the fights. It can be done. However, Geneva and Kim need to learn a better way to talk to each other.
First of all, they need to accept the fact that they cannot change things overnight. It takes time and effort to set up good communication. If they really want to be able to talk to each other, they must be wiling to work at it for a long time. In fact, that is exactly why many people fail to set up good communication. They think it is too much work.
Let’s look at what’s wrong with the communication between Geneva and Kim. Then we can see how they might have handled things differently—and better.
Geneva’s first mistake was how she talked to Kim. Yelling at Kim and making threats made Geneva feel better. However, it only made communication worse. Kim knew that Geneva couldn’t stay mad forever. The storm would blow over. Kim knew that if she kept out of Geneva’s way for a while, she would get her way in time.
Also, when Geneva grabbed the phone and hung it up, she was not treating Kim with respect. People usually treat us the way we treat them. By being rude to Kim, Geneva was teaching her daughter to act the same way toward her.
Geneva’s second mistake was what she said. If Geneva often asks her child, “What’s wrong with you? ” Kim will finally believe something is wrong with her. She will then decide that if something is wrong with her, it will not help to do what Geneva asks. Kim will still be a bad person, so why bother? By calling Kim a lazy kid, Geneva was letting Kim know she expected Kim to be lazy.
Geneva’s third mistake was making unreasonable demands on Kim. Geneva knew that Kim had been studying hard last night for an exam. She knew it was almost time for Kim to go to work. It was just not a good time for Kim to clean her room.
Finally, Geneva set the wrong punishment for Kim. Grounding Kim for a month or two and taking away her money will just make Kim mad, and her room will still be dirty. In fact, Kim may decide that she won’t clean her room no matter what happens.
Geneva and Kim are not really fighting over a dirty room. They are fighting over power. Geneva wants to tell Kim how to run her life. Kim wants to run her own life.
Now let’s see how Geneva and Kim can improve the communication between them. Let’s see how they can stop the fighting. We’ll do so by “rewinding” the tape to the beginning of this story and playing out the scene a different way.
Geneva vs. Kim, Round 2. Geneva knocked at Kim’s door. She got no answer, so she peeked inside. The room was a mess. She’d asked Kim to clean it yesterday.
Geneva heard Kim’s laugh in the living room. She stood in the doorway and caught Kim’s eye. Kim was talking on the phone. Geneva pointed to her watch. Kim flashed her a thumbs-up sign and said to her friend, “Listen, I’ve got to go now. I’ll call you later.”
“What’s up, Mom?” Kim asked, sitting cross-legged on the floor.
Geneva sat down facing Kim. “Can you explain why you haven’t cleaned up your room?” Geneva asked. “I’d like to hear your point of view.”
“I’ve been really busy,” Kim said. “I have exams this week, and I’ve used all my spare time hitting the books. My after-school job has been hard, too. By the time I get home, I’m worn out. All I can do is study and crawl into bed.”
“I can see that you’re really busy right row,” Geneva replied. “I’m proud of you for studying hard and for earn your own money. However, your room has to be cleaned every week. Would you like to do it today or this weekend?”
“Oh, Mon, not this weekend!” Kim cried. “I was looking forward to having fun after all these exams. I just asked a friend to go skating this weekend,” she said, patting the phone.
“I’m sorry, but your grandparents are coming this weekend,” Geneva said. “I want the house clean for them. you need to spend some time with them, too.”
“OK,” Kim sighed. “But I really need sometime for myself, too.”
“I agree,” said Geneva. “What do you think you should do?”
“Let’s see,” Kim said. “If I cleaned my room right after school tomorrow, I could get most of it done before I leave for work. Then I could finish before Grandma and Grandpa get here Saturday morning. They’ll probably leave right after lunch Sunday as always. Then I could go skating Sunday afternoon.”
“That sounds like a good plan for me,” Geneva said. “Now you’d better hustle, or you’ll be late work.”
Geneva smiled to herself as Kim ran out the door. Geneva thought, Teenagers. Once you learn to talk to them, they can really be a pleasure to have around.
Kim let out a giggle as she ran down the steps. Kim thought, Parents. I’d already decided to clean my room Friday after school.
---from Directions book3
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